Author Archive: cheeky

High protocol— Beginners edition

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High protocol.

What is it? Why do we do it? And how does it exactly work?

I’m going to write about personal experiences here. Before we get in on what High protocol is exactly let me give you a bit of a rundown on how the different protocol settings MIGHT look like in our own D/s relationship.

So to use an example that everyone might be familiar with. We are a family with two kids. Running a household and Moc working and a busy life with two kids involved in all sorts. So by the end of the day, we are both tired. Kids go to bed so this is all happening after bedtime and kids getting into a deep sleep.

Low setting: (we don't have “no protocols” settings as D/s for us is 24/7 but some might have a complete no protocol setting for when family are around.)

We cuddle up on the couch and talk about our day. We might watch tv. I might get up and get a book and cuddle up and read. MoC might offer me a cup of coffee or he might ask me to make one. I might respond with Yes Sir but generally, it is just okay. If he states something as more of an order I might get sassy with an answer as I get up and do what was asked.

Later as our set normal bedtime routine, he tells me time to get ready for bed. I take a shower, brush teeth and dry myself and stay naked in the bedroom under covers with the ankle and wrist cuffs out for normal routine of him placing it on me for the night.

Medium setting: We cuddle up on the couch and talk about the day. He might lean over and say: "slave make me a cup of coffee." Using a title of some sort gives me the indication it is an order of more importance so I will reply with Yes Sir. I will get up and make a cup of coffee and present it in a bit more of a nicer way. If we have cookies I might even get those out and my focus goes more on pleasure for him. He will indicate where I sit and if I want to read I will ask if there is anything I can do for him. If the answer is no I will ask if I am allowed to read. He will usually say yes or give me other instructions.

Bedtime routine the same but he might tell me to wait in a certain position in the bedroom while he takes a shower. I generally can’t go on my cell phone unless I have asked permission.

High protocol: He will tell me that it IS High protocol. In the high protocol, I generally won’t make eye contact, unless He instructs me to look into His eyes when answering a question. I won’t use any of the furniture. I will stay close to Him. Forget the book, the tv and everything. He generally will put a cushion down on the wooden floors and I will kneel or sit there. I won't speak unless spoken to. He might get up and make a coffee and tell me to be in a position that he can view me or He will instruct me on making it. I will answer as Yes Master. Manners are extremely important. If say for instance I need to go to the bathroom I will wait and look up and say, Master. When he acknowledges me I ask what I need to and wait. Don't forget to say thank you, Master, in the end, and then quickly go do what I need to do and come back.

Bedtime routine: He will say time for his slave to get ready or he might decide that I need to shower him and dry him off or he might decide I will shower and he will wait for me. It's all up to him. So you need to be able to adapt really quickly. It's not run as a scripted scene so your attention has to be on your Dominant and their needs at all times.

I will definitely be kneeling waiting in the bedroom or in inspection position if my foot is cramping. I won't have to be told. So unless he gives me a position that is the position I will be in.

MoC tends to be extra critical. A position is never ever in perfect place. He will adjust and tell me to try harder. He expects perfection even though we both know it isn't possible. It's not to make me feel bad but to feel that extra sense of striving for the best.

So that is a simple part on how the different protocol settings MIGHT work. Remember everyone is different.

So now after a practical example of each protocol setting lets look at the differences a bit closer.

Low protocol:
Power exchange is still present.
Use of titles not in effect all the time.
Freedom of speech (to a degree)
More casual and a lot more freedom

Medium protocol:
Power exchange will be a bit more visible.
Is or can be a bit more casual but the focus is getting shifted slightly.
Use of titles.
Might be where most couples will be when they do a scene.
The Dominant will indicate the correct way and it is up to the
submissive to pick up and react to it.

High protocol:
Power exchange is more visible.
Speech restrictions
Eye restrictions
Movement restrictions
Use of titles
Generally won't use any furniture.
The focus is completely on the Dominant.
No distractions allowed.
The wants of the submissive are completely pushed aside.
You live and breath to serve the Dominants needs and wants as perfectly as you can.

After reading this I think you can get a clearer picture of why I feel it is extremely hard if not close to impossible to live in High protocol all the time. But to incorporate it into your own dynamic can be an easy thing to do.

It might be that you do it for a set time period quite regular to get in the mindset. Say one weekend a month or a Friday every week. Some do it for specific rituals like for when punishment needs to be doled out.

It might be for everyday things like making tea at the end of the day and getting the bed ready for a Dominant and kneeling and waiting for them and see what further instructions there are. Or it might be like the above scenario where at any time High protocol gets demanded and as a submissive, you have to quickly shift mindsets and remember a few rules on how to behave, act and serve your Dominant.

It can be quite satisfying letting go of everyday stuff and getting a few moments, minutes or hours to shift to a place where the only thing that matters is obeying and following orders from your Dominant.

I know for me personally being placed in the high protocol the simplest act of service like greeting my Dominant, to making a cup of coffee or presenting myself takes a whole different meaning and I reach a safe calming space. Similar to when you meditate to center yourself.

So if you are interested, why not start small and incorporate a little bit of it into your dynamic.

1950’s

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1950’s style and BDSM

When people hear 1950’s you get an immediate picture in your head of a husband coming home and the door open to a lovely wife, dressed in a nice floral dress. Hair and makeup perfect with a beer or a whiskey on hand to immediately serve her husband while he sits on the couch reading the newspaper or watching the news or just watching tv.

Kids are very quiet and clean and playing with a few toys in the corner of the lounge or they are playing outside. It's a very calm serene looking scene. Families eat meals together and talking about their day.

So how do you view the 1950’s when you think about it and how do you feel about it. Any part of it that you find interesting? Do you like the look or perhaps more the feel of the 1950’s?

So besides the mental image what else was involved in the 1950’s style?

Yes, the woman was very well dressed in mostly dresses or skirts. Very feminine looking and hair and makeup were done up every day. A woman took great care with their looks. You wouldn’t come home and find your wife in tracksuit pants. (looking down... yip I am wearing some right now.)

Houses were immaculately clean and roles of husbands and wives were a lot more gender-based. Meaning outside work was done by the Husband while the wife took care of the house and the children.

Men tend to take great pride in providing for the needs of their family and after a hard day of work coming back to the lady of the house and being able to rest.

Woman tend to work really hard in the house and if you delve deeper might even be making most of the decisions inside the home. From the decor, what to serve or any of those nitty-gritty things that at that time period seem to not be of interest to the menfolk. (why do I feel like I need to look behind my shoulder for some kind of Feminist to wack me over the head right now... Oooh the interesting world we live in right now but that is a story for another day)

The woman used some of the “free” time to volunteer or to be part of the churches work. So it was not just staying at home and if you can look past the very gender-based roles you can see that both parties are serving each other but in very different ways. A whole community was based on the same sort of agreement of roles of the two parties involved. Everyone sort of knew where they stand and what their particular role and responsibilities were.

Now back to today’s world. I had a really big look at this particular style before but in particular this week for this article and it was very interesting to see how people view this particular time period. Some absolutely love the feminine look of the era and seem to be going back to it or even just making a small few tweaks and punking it up. Some can't stand the gender-based roles and feel conflicting as they love the look of the 1950’s. And then there is some that really enjoy all of it that it can offer. From the cars to the decor, to the very specific responsibilities of either party, taking some time and effort with your looks for your partner. Or in particular with our very heavy electronic busy lives these days... the family connection around a dinner table and being able to put devices aside and really just connect and communicate.

But the alarming thing I also found is, that in the kink world and the very big growing amount of people involving 1950’s in their various dynamics, few people are willing to openly talk about it. As if somehow it makes you a woman hater or taking womenfolk back decades of years. In that way perhaps the same can be said for all the other dynamics where the woman is at the feet of a man.

But us kinky folk know better right? We are meant to be more open-minded. As for me personally. I believe in free choice and taking some responsibility for your own happiness. If parties that are involved are open-minded, educated on the topic and freely make a choice and consenting adults, who are anyone to come and say that it is wrong or somehow you causing the destruction of the woman for the last decades of years.

Now to get to the kinky bits of it. I mean after all we a kink website right?

So as mentioned you have two definite areas of the 1950’s style.

First is the look of the 1950’s

You don’t really need to be involved in any kink to enjoy the looks of the 1950’s. From the style to the dresses. Or even just involving a few aspects in any other BDSM dynamic you have. Taking some time with your appearance for your partner before a scene, on weekends if you both have more time or just in general. Having the experience and feeling of dressing up to please your partner and in return pleasing yourself. Feeling good about yourself and your partner getting the benefit of this.

The second one is the more feel of the 1950’s.

There is this book that was published in that time era called: “the Good housewife”. It is available online if you have a look. It gave the ladies a manual on how to behave and tips and advice. If you read it and just replace with words referring to the woman or lady to sub/slave or bottom you have a set guide for a type of D/s. Yes even for male submissives this will work perfectly.

So even though there was a very definite gender role division of labour there is nothing stopping anyone from using the feel and look of the 1950’s in any dynamic that you have. Yes even if you have a Domme with a male submissive.

As for having the “wife” staying at home looking after the house and preparing your meals and servicing to the needs of the “husband”. In today's society, it's not always possible to have one income families or partnerships. That should however not stop you from engaging in this is this is the way that feels both natural to you both. Just take a bit to think outside of the box.

Maybe if you come home having fifteen minutes to get out of your workwear into your 1950’s style clothing and slipping into these roles.

Might not be possible to cook a homecooked meal but you can still serve whatever meal you have in the style or perhaps have a family breakfast served in a 1950’s style over a weekend.

Or perhaps after the kids are in bed doing a service of bringing a drink to your partner and this involved in you getting pulled over their lap to get a spanking and then asking if you were a good girl/boy that day andjust releasing the stresses of the day.

As always have fun and SSC, RACK or PRICK.

TPE

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TPE - Dynamic

TPE stands for Total Power Exchange. But what does it exactly mean?

It means exactly that. One person is giving up the power completely to another person. All choices and any decision that needs be made are under the control of the Dominant. (regardless of what the Dominant calls themselves but normally it will be either as Owner/Master or Mistress and the bottom referred to as property or as a slave) But in everything that can be open.

So what exactly does complete power exchange mean? Now the ultimate purist view is as follows:

Ultimate power to the Dominant.
No safewords
No limits
it's 24/7
No contracts
No exit date

Now, let's look at it a bit deeper and afterwards I will give my own personal view on how you can perhaps get close to a TPE dynamic but I don't personally believe that you can achieve the Purist view of TPE.

Ultimate power to the Dominant:

The Dominant has the power to make any and all decisions. From what you wear, what you drink, when or how you sleep. From career choices, too when you see family or friends or perhaps have no contact for ages with someone.

So as can see it can be someone that can micromanage your life completely and only choice for the slave is to either obey immediately or get punished and still have to obey.

* Personally there are a few times that this might not always be a practical choice. What if your Master said not to leave the house at all and it starts burning around you. You will leave the house as your survival instinct hopefully kicks in. So some decision making on your side at certain times will kick in. It is therefore not complete. Even if you look at history when slavery was legal and Slave Masters owned these people as property they did not have full power over your thoughts or even all your actions.

No Safewords:

This means no safewords. Or if say its a new area and your Master gives you a temporary “safeword” they might choose to push past that. Now I know everyone goes CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT and ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE. But you need to look at it this way. You have consensually (and I really really hope with real open eyes and being well informed consented to this before you got into this dynamic)

* Ideally the Master will become your safeword. They normally make a promise as well to look after the well-being and emotional welfare of their property/slave which will mean they won't want to cause harm to the extent where you won't recover. So, in fact, they do become your safeword.

Others tend to give a safeword but if you use it then the dynamic immediately ends and might even signal the end of the relationship in any form.

No Limits:

The normal BDSM activity list you might complete for other dynamics will be null and void in this dynamic. The only limits you have is what your Owner decides that you are allowed to have but can be taken away at any time.

* There is time before coming into a dynamic to really put into a contract the absolute limits that you both agree upon. However, it begs to differ to a lot of Purists if this is in fact then TPE as they only have partial power over you.

It's 24/7.

There is no such thing as having a holiday, or I don’t feel like it right now or the ... I have a headache at the moment. Whenever wherever and order is given you will have to obey it. If that order is that you need to quit your job then it's not a question of having an argument but obeying it.

* People get sick, Family gets sick, Kids get sick. Even the powerful Master/Owner gets sick. What happens when an order is given but you know in your heart as a slave the best is to take care of your Owner and not do all the other tasks that were set even if it means you miss some of them.

Sometimes real life intervenes and you need to give each other a little bit of slack. And as parents you have to put your kid's welfare first, so what happens if an order has to be put above a child's need? So therefore not always possible for 24/7 and immediate obeying of orders.

No contracts:

As it is a Total power Exchange a lot of Purists view a contract null and void unless the very short thing from this date till the Owner releases you, you are their property. They still have the option to sell or give you away to another person and then you will be under their authority.

* Even if you do sign a contract it wont be of any use in the real court of law. People cant be owned by another person as property and it is an illegal act. Which means even if you decide to have a contract or not in any dynamic is not really from a point of law but more to have a clear form of what was negotiated between parties.

No Exit date:

As you are property there is no decision for you to decide this is not for me anymore. But seeing that you are property the Owner has the right to release you. That, as well as death, is your only way out.

* As mentioned it is illegal to own anyone. As a slave, that person might “escape” leave and go to the authorities even and the law will be completely on this person's side. So, in reality, there is an exit date but it will also mean the end of the relationship and dynamic.

So now after a bit more of a realistic look, you might think now why would someone even agree to something like this?

First off I think if you step immediately into a TPE dynamic and especially if this is your first BDSM relationship you entering you might be making a mistake. My opinion is that there is no way that you will have enough information or knowledge to make an informed decision to agree to this sort of dynamic, regardless of which side you are coming from.

I feel like the purist view of TPE is not always possible or perhaps not even healthy but it also depends on the particular people that are involved in it.

Bringing me back to the fact that if you are deciding this is the type of dynamic for you to first work towards it. For everyone to work out how you both think and feel and react to each other. Just as the submissive in this regard are taking a huge step of faith the Dominant in this regard are taking a tremendous amount of responsibility for and if things go wrong will land the Dominant in jail.

Does this mean TPE is not a possibility? No. It definitely is but this doesn’t mean you have to take everything mentioned on a purist level and if you don't check all the boxes it doesn't mean you don't fit under TPE. BDSM is about making it work for those involved. So look at what works for everyone and then work it into the only dynamic that matters... YOUR OWN UNIQUE DYNAMIC, regardless of how you label or explain it to others.

Aftercare

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What exactly is aftercare?

In simple terms, it is the time you take after a scene or playtime where both or more parties take the time to recover and take care of each other's physical and emotional needs.

Now if you are just starting out you might wonder, why exactly would you need aftercare? With BDSM or kinky play we at times tend to really get physical but besides the physical aspect, the emotional and mental side is also a big roller coaster.

Aftercare for one person would look completely different to another person’s need for aftercare. And although you might be reading a lot on aftercare in regards to submissives/bottoms, it is also for Dominants/Tops.

So to get to a few examples for you to get an idea on aftercare. Now as I said the individual’s need for aftercare will be as unique as them. So the best way to get an idea is to negotiate this ahead of time if you are playing with someone new or for the first few times. After this, it tends to be part of the continues communication flow between parties.

THERE IS NOT JUST ONE CORRECT WAY OF DOING THIS! So talk and communicate but also be ready to play it by ear afterwards.
Another thing to keep in mind that at different times the same submissive will need aftercare in a different form depending on the need of the submissive or top.

So let's divide it up into two categories to make it easier to understand:

1. Physical Needs:

Rehydrate: Have a bottle or glass of water ready nearby for afterwards. The reason is during play you will sweat and need to replace this. As a submissive might not have the coordination afterwards to drink from a glass or bottle you might want to consider having a straw to drink from.

Blankets at times to keep warm: A few submissives might want to warm embrace to cuddle into but it also has a physical need. Body temperature can drop quite quickly after play.

Something small to eat like a piece of chocolate or a cookie: (make sure on medical conditions that might prevent this). It sometimes helps to increase the blood sugar levels a little bit and also releases oxytocin. The “feel good” drug.

Now if there is any cuts, lacerations, bruises or wounds that need to be taken care off. Have a look, *disinfect and dressing* any wounds. Perhaps using a cream to reduce bruises.

If a submissive is leaving the club/venue or have to *travel* to their place of residence. Make sure they are capable of driving or call a taxi. This can be arranged ahead of time so that a third party is able to take them home. Or to wait until they are in a position to drive themselves.

There are several more examples but you get the basic idea. Physical needs are taken care off. Like helping your submissive get to a bathroom to relieve themselves and helping them to a point where they can stand on their own two feet and able to make decisions again.

2.Emotional Needs:

Lots of cuddles: Try not to leave a submissive alone by themselves as for some abandonment issues can set in. Or a feeling like they were not good enough. At times it is not possible for Tops/Dominants to be the one taking care of aftercare but if you can stay and cuddle or give encouraging words until a third person (negotiated beforehand) can take over and take care of the submissives aftercare.

Positive verbal communication: Lots of praise, gentle talking and encouragement so it is not such a big shock from going from a place of serene peace at times to a harsh wake up back in reality. Perhaps the play was a lot more degrading and humiliation and a submissive (as well as Dominants) need the time to transition back to a place of reality.

Skin to skin. For some submissives and Dominants, they need that reassurance that everything is okay and still good and they need no barriers between them.

Shower: Taking a shower or bath can be relaxing for both parties. It takes care of a physical need to getting clean but also emotional need to keep the connection and making sure both of you are okay.
There are a lot more ways some submissives needs can be taken care of emotionally so these are just a few examples to get you going and thinking about it. The needs can differ in regards to the different relationships between parties as well so please talk beforehand about what you might think you will need if you are not completely sure.

Now, most of the above might be seen that it is mostly a Dominant taking care of the submissives need but quite often afterwards a lot of Dominants have an intense need to make sure the submissive and bottom is, in fact, okay and doing good.

Other examples specific to Dominants/Tops:

After taking care of a submissive they need their alone time to be able to process things.

Taking care of equipment and cleaning everything off and packing their toys away is a ritual for some.

Needing to talk it out after their play partners are able to. What was good. What wasn't? How did you find it?

Submissives and bottoms please consider when you are able to... To give thanks the Dominant/Top for their time. You really don't know how much that means to them. You might have given them a gift of submission but they gave you a gift as well.

Dominants don't neglect you're own physical or emotional needs. For a lot of submissives aftercare involving being allowed to take care of their Dominant and that is how they best process a scene or playtime.

Aftercare at times can be used for all parties to return to their “positions” and equilibrium before a scene or play started.

When does aftercare stop or how long should it be?
This is a very difficult question to answer as the answer is as unique as the situation, circumstances and people involved. Talk, talk and more talk.

It is nice to check in now and then with someone you just started playing with. A quick text message or just knowing that you are available to talk. (no matter if you are a sub or a Dom/me)

On the scale of more 24/7, it is just a continues part of the relationship.

Please remember that there is no right or wrong way. Some individuals might not want any of the above and just want to be taken to a safe place and left alone to be able to process and detune.

Remember to stay safe and have some fun.

Consent in BDSM in general

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CONSENT in BDSM in general

Consent is one of your foundation blocks for BDSM. It is a very important concept for anyone to understand as well as to apply, regardless if you are participating in any BDSM related activities.
So for the next few articles, I am going to concentrate on the different ways consent is and can be applied in different scenarios. BUT it always has to be present.

Our first one is going to be just the basic idea of consent in BDSM itself and why it is so important.

You might have heard a lot about the following terms and will see it crop up time and time again on this website:
SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual
RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink
PRICK: Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink.

In all three these approaches you see that Consent is a very important part of it. Reason for it is simple. We want everyone that is taking part to be willing to take part and have fun. They need to be able to consent, not to be coerced into it, and that they do this of their own free will. Without the consent part what is happening is not consensual anymore and you are in fact abusing a person.

So how does consent look like? It takes many different forms as you get all sorts of different ways you can partake in BDSM. So one method of consent won’t always be the same method for all. But for today we are just going to look at the basic method of consent in a general situation.
For you to take part in any of the activities (regardless if it is just sex or kinky activities without sex or any combination of that):

1. You need to be able to consent: This means that you can’t be drunk, heavily medicated, under the influence of any substance that can alter your decision-making skills. It also means that emotionally you are in a place that you can consent.

Take BDSM itself out for a moment. Think of the following: You have someone that got completely drunk and passed out and you always wanted to do it with that person. Do you think it is okay to have sex with them?

What if this person is starting to come onto you? But they are just too drunk to really know what they are doing?

What if this person just broke up with someone close to them and they are extremely vulnerable?

Now some might argue that in some of these cases it is not black and white. But life is not black and white. It is just mostly shades of grey. But to get consent it NEEDS to be a bit clearer as there is almost more at stake and there can be very serious consequences on either side.
Without Consent, it is abuse.

2. You need to know what you are consenting to: This means knowing exactly what is involved for Tops or Bottoms. What is more or less on for play, and what is not.

It is easy to say you consented to sex but in the end, it landed in anal sex. And what one person thought they consenting to is completely different to what another person meant. This gets back to communicating. Clear communication in a way that all parties know exactly what they are consenting to. See articles on negotiating and the different methods you can use.

3. Agree on safewords: This is a way to make sure consent is always present. Both sides have safewords to either halt play for a bit (see safeword article on more) or to stop play. Use safety signals if you can't use safewords.

If you play without safewords you are getting in a bit more murkier water as you might overstep someone’s boundaries and you might go towards or over the line of not having consent anymore. So be safe and play with safewords.

4. Age of consent: Now this some might say is not part of basic consent and more an ethical or moral or even legal issue. But I am going to put it in here. Yes, some countries have a legal sex age limit but I think if we going to talk about BDSM you need to look even further. A lot of studies have shown that a brain is still developing at age 16 (legal age of a lot of countries) but even at age 20, some brains are still developing. You also still have to deal with a lot of hormone influxes to confuse the situation even more.

Studies have shown that teenagers are more impulsive can take more risks and not think of consequences, where other studies have shown it is less on risk-taking itself but the urgency to learn more about the world. Either way it is something to take under consideration. Different countries will have different age limits for sex or even have a different one for certain type of sexual activities. In regards to this article, I would highly recommend at least age 18. (and in some cases even 21). But always make sure that who you play with is the legal age of consent.

Watch out for the next article in the series of consent.