I scrolled back in a KIK chat this morning and a saw a very interesting conversation. I don't often get involved in squabbles, however, I do think in this particular case I need to express my view and concern. I also think this conversation holds a valuable lesson so I am going to be using this as an educating session. As this is a public post I will be anonymizing the names.
It took part between 3 people discussing how hard communication in BSDM is. One person had the view it was easy and that they have discovered they are more in an open relationship. The other two are in poly relationships and were expressing the point that is is not always easy. However one of these parties even took offence to the relaxed attitude of this person towards BDSM not recognizing the hard yards put in by the others.
I have also seen the viewpoint of some people opinions are wrong been branded about in past chats. Yes, I lurk sometimes too. First off all of these people chatting are relatively new to the BDSM lifestyle from a few years to a few months. Now that the background has been set let me express my opinion after nearly 15 years as a Dom.
First and foremost, everyone has an opinion and everyone is entitled to their opinion. You may not agree with the their opinion this however you are free to discuss differences of opinions, however, this at no point means anyone's opinion is less valid than your opinion. I know the case of Hitler often pop's up and yes he was entitled to his opinions however that went from opinion to hate speech and that is an entirely different topic.
Within BDSM communication is key. If we can't express our opinions and talk about them rationally then we need to work on ourselves to be able to get to this point. Yes, that is hard work. Even our partner's and play partners may have different opinions which means guess what hard work and often difficult discussions. The key learning is how do you come out of that discussion. If you both come out black and blue or one is more beaten up than the other this was not a successful conversation and you both need to work on your communication skills.
It is important to be able to look at yourself and see yourself and your emotional point at that time and recognise if it is in a bad place or good place as that will have an effect on the discussion. The most important communication is with yourself most of the time. Then look at how your behaviour is affecting others.
Next on the actual opinion of is it hard or not? Well, all three involved have had different experiences and different relationships. Some are new have not had all the experiences and life events that have happened to the others. Let me assure you after doing this as long as I have I am still learning and I have had easy fun discussions to really hard difficult discussions, as life and where myself and cheeky are emotionally at the time all play a part of these discussions.
This group is a group for learning, learning from others experiences and sharing your experiences. However to tell someone that their experience or attitude is wrong because that is all they have had different experiences is also wrong. The conversation should rather be around sharing your experience and explain why your view is different. It is a simple change of wording from "your approach/attitude to this is wrong/arrogant", to "in my experience, I have found the following". It gets your opinion across while not intimidating or taking away from someone else's opinion or experience.
Again this is my personal opinion I am using my big boy Dom words to express it and if someone has a different view or experience I am willing to have an open honest discussion about their views and experiences.
Thank you Moc and it is nice to hear a Doms perspective on such disscussions and i completely agreed to everything you had outlined around communication and others opinions and experiences.
I hope all parties involved find a way around their indifferences. And hope they continue to engage together, support and learn as a collective. ☺