What exactly is aftercare?

In simple terms, it is the time you take after a scene or playtime where both or more parties take the time to recover and take care of each other's physical and emotional needs.

Now if you are just starting out you might wonder, why exactly would you need aftercare? With BDSM or kinky play we at times tend to really get physical but besides the physical aspect, the emotional and mental side is also a big roller coaster.

Aftercare for one person would look completely different to another person’s need for aftercare. And although you might be reading a lot on aftercare in regards to submissives/bottoms, it is also for Dominants/Tops.

So to get to a few examples for you to get an idea on aftercare. Now as I said the individual’s need for aftercare will be as unique as them. So the best way to get an idea is to negotiate this ahead of time if you are playing with someone new or for the first few times. After this, it tends to be part of the continues communication flow between parties.

THERE IS NOT JUST ONE CORRECT WAY OF DOING THIS! So talk and communicate but also be ready to play it by ear afterwards.
Another thing to keep in mind that at different times the same submissive will need aftercare in a different form depending on the need of the submissive or top.

So let's divide it up into two categories to make it easier to understand:

1. Physical Needs:

Rehydrate: Have a bottle or glass of water ready nearby for afterwards. The reason is during play you will sweat and need to replace this. As a submissive might not have the coordination afterwards to drink from a glass or bottle you might want to consider having a straw to drink from.

Blankets at times to keep warm: A few submissives might want to warm embrace to cuddle into but it also has a physical need. Body temperature can drop quite quickly after play.

Something small to eat like a piece of chocolate or a cookie: (make sure on medical conditions that might prevent this). It sometimes helps to increase the blood sugar levels a little bit and also releases oxytocin. The “feel good” drug.

Now if there is any cuts, lacerations, bruises or wounds that need to be taken care off. Have a look, *disinfect and dressing* any wounds. Perhaps using a cream to reduce bruises.

If a submissive is leaving the club/venue or have to *travel* to their place of residence. Make sure they are capable of driving or call a taxi. This can be arranged ahead of time so that a third party is able to take them home. Or to wait until they are in a position to drive themselves.

There are several more examples but you get the basic idea. Physical needs are taken care off. Like helping your submissive get to a bathroom to relieve themselves and helping them to a point where they can stand on their own two feet and able to make decisions again.

2.Emotional Needs:

Lots of cuddles: Try not to leave a submissive alone by themselves as for some abandonment issues can set in. Or a feeling like they were not good enough. At times it is not possible for Tops/Dominants to be the one taking care of aftercare but if you can stay and cuddle or give encouraging words until a third person (negotiated beforehand) can take over and take care of the submissives aftercare.

Positive verbal communication: Lots of praise, gentle talking and encouragement so it is not such a big shock from going from a place of serene peace at times to a harsh wake up back in reality. Perhaps the play was a lot more degrading and humiliation and a submissive (as well as Dominants) need the time to transition back to a place of reality.

Skin to skin. For some submissives and Dominants, they need that reassurance that everything is okay and still good and they need no barriers between them.

Shower: Taking a shower or bath can be relaxing for both parties. It takes care of a physical need to getting clean but also emotional need to keep the connection and making sure both of you are okay.
There are a lot more ways some submissives needs can be taken care of emotionally so these are just a few examples to get you going and thinking about it. The needs can differ in regards to the different relationships between parties as well so please talk beforehand about what you might think you will need if you are not completely sure.

Now, most of the above might be seen that it is mostly a Dominant taking care of the submissives need but quite often afterwards a lot of Dominants have an intense need to make sure the submissive and bottom is, in fact, okay and doing good.

Other examples specific to Dominants/Tops:

After taking care of a submissive they need their alone time to be able to process things.

Taking care of equipment and cleaning everything off and packing their toys away is a ritual for some.

Needing to talk it out after their play partners are able to. What was good. What wasn't? How did you find it?

Submissives and bottoms please consider when you are able to... To give thanks the Dominant/Top for their time. You really don't know how much that means to them. You might have given them a gift of submission but they gave you a gift as well.

Dominants don't neglect you're own physical or emotional needs. For a lot of submissives aftercare involving being allowed to take care of their Dominant and that is how they best process a scene or playtime.

Aftercare at times can be used for all parties to return to their “positions” and equilibrium before a scene or play started.

When does aftercare stop or how long should it be?
This is a very difficult question to answer as the answer is as unique as the situation, circumstances and people involved. Talk, talk and more talk.

It is nice to check in now and then with someone you just started playing with. A quick text message or just knowing that you are available to talk. (no matter if you are a sub or a Dom/me)

On the scale of more 24/7, it is just a continues part of the relationship.

Please remember that there is no right or wrong way. Some individuals might not want any of the above and just want to be taken to a safe place and left alone to be able to process and detune.

Remember to stay safe and have some fun.

Consent in BDSM in general

CONSENT in BDSM in general

Consent is one of your foundation blocks for BDSM. It is a very important concept for anyone to understand as well as to apply, regardless if you are participating in any BDSM related activities.
So for the next few articles, I am going to concentrate on the different ways consent is and can be applied in different scenarios. BUT it always has to be present.

Our first one is going to be just the basic idea of consent in BDSM itself and why it is so important.

You might have heard a lot about the following terms and will see it crop up time and time again on this website:
SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual
RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink
PRICK: Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink.

In all three these approaches you see that Consent is a very important part of it. Reason for it is simple. We want everyone that is taking part to be willing to take part and have fun. They need to be able to consent, not to be coerced into it, and that they do this of their own free will. Without the consent part what is happening is not consensual anymore and you are in fact abusing a person.

So how does consent look like? It takes many different forms as you get all sorts of different ways you can partake in BDSM. So one method of consent won’t always be the same method for all. But for today we are just going to look at the basic method of consent in a general situation.
For you to take part in any of the activities (regardless if it is just sex or kinky activities without sex or any combination of that):

1. You need to be able to consent: This means that you can’t be drunk, heavily medicated, under the influence of any substance that can alter your decision-making skills. It also means that emotionally you are in a place that you can consent.

Take BDSM itself out for a moment. Think of the following: You have someone that got completely drunk and passed out and you always wanted to do it with that person. Do you think it is okay to have sex with them?

What if this person is starting to come onto you? But they are just too drunk to really know what they are doing?

What if this person just broke up with someone close to them and they are extremely vulnerable?

Now some might argue that in some of these cases it is not black and white. But life is not black and white. It is just mostly shades of grey. But to get consent it NEEDS to be a bit clearer as there is almost more at stake and there can be very serious consequences on either side.
Without Consent, it is abuse.

2. You need to know what you are consenting to: This means knowing exactly what is involved for Tops or Bottoms. What is more or less on for play, and what is not.

It is easy to say you consented to sex but in the end, it landed in anal sex. And what one person thought they consenting to is completely different to what another person meant. This gets back to communicating. Clear communication in a way that all parties know exactly what they are consenting to. See articles on negotiating and the different methods you can use.

3. Agree on safewords: This is a way to make sure consent is always present. Both sides have safewords to either halt play for a bit (see safeword article on more) or to stop play. Use safety signals if you can't use safewords.

If you play without safewords you are getting in a bit more murkier water as you might overstep someone’s boundaries and you might go towards or over the line of not having consent anymore. So be safe and play with safewords.

4. Age of consent: Now this some might say is not part of basic consent and more an ethical or moral or even legal issue. But I am going to put it in here. Yes, some countries have a legal sex age limit but I think if we going to talk about BDSM you need to look even further. A lot of studies have shown that a brain is still developing at age 16 (legal age of a lot of countries) but even at age 20, some brains are still developing. You also still have to deal with a lot of hormone influxes to confuse the situation even more.

Studies have shown that teenagers are more impulsive can take more risks and not think of consequences, where other studies have shown it is less on risk-taking itself but the urgency to learn more about the world. Either way it is something to take under consideration. Different countries will have different age limits for sex or even have a different one for certain type of sexual activities. In regards to this article, I would highly recommend at least age 18. (and in some cases even 21). But always make sure that who you play with is the legal age of consent.

Watch out for the next article in the series of consent.

Quick overview of sub/Dom drop

To a non-BDSM person, the closest way to explain sub/Dom drop is as follows. You train hard for an endurance event. You take part it tires you out but you are happy as you cross the finish line. Sometimes a few min later sometimes the next day as the feel good hormones wear off you suddenly start feeling down as if wondering what is next. This is the same hormonal effect as sub/Dom drop. It does not mean the endurance event abused you. You went into it willingly. It is experienced by many top athletes especially if the season ends or they have an injury which prevents the what next. It is a body's natural high. So far from abuse. It is a well documented medical and psychological effect.

Hard and Soft limits

So you decided you interested to try and dip your toe into the Kinky world. You have seen a BDSM checklist and eagerly going through it to see which activities you might like to try.

Then you get that moment of WOOOOOW. What are all these terms and WHAT exactly do they mean? Then you see the word soft limit and hard limit? But what if you are really new and don’t really know what you would like or what you will not?

The first lesson to learn for today is: DO NOT under any circumstances reply to a potential Dominant that you as a submissive don’t have ANY limits. You will not scare someone away by saying (not the good ones anyway) that you are relatively new and don’t know exactly what your limits are.

So let's get into the nitty-gritty of what exactly we mean by a Hard and Soft Limit.

The hard limit is those activities that are a definite no. You do not want to do it or negotiate it. You might have specific reasons for not wanting it or just outright not like it.

Soft limits can be placed in two categories. First one is activities you have tried in the past but really did not enjoy but with the right partner will give it another go. But it is not an outright automatic yes.

The second one is an activity you haven't tried before but are very unsure about, but you might be willing to negotiate or at least talk about in the future with the right Dominant or in the right circumstances. So it's not an outright no but it is not something you are going to do on a first play scene with someone. It might be an activity that requires you to trust the Dominant a bit more. And that level of trust can only come with time.

Now another thing to remember, limits can change. Things you had on a hard limit list might change to soft or even a play activity. As you get involved with the kink community you might observe a few scenes with the said activity that peaks your interest. Or as you explore your own boundaries you might see that over time they stretch and expand.

You can have different limits with different play partners. Some people might have a higher skill level in certain areas and you might say do a shibari scene with them but with everyone else, Shibari ropework is a hard limit.

This is where the personal responsibility for setting limits come in. You are in charge of setting the limits for yourself and it is something that should be respected. The breach of a hard limit is a serious thing and can end relationships. Please walk away from any Dominant that says a “true submissive has no limits except those of the Dominant.”

Now so far I have spoken about hard and soft limits from a submissives point of view (as I am a submissive), however, Dominants have hard and soft limits as well. Certain activities they would not do at all as well as those ones that they might be willing to negotiate on, in the right circumstances.

Moc will be doing an article on how a Dominant (after some time has passed) might start pushing or negotiating on soft limits with a submissive, and no it's not just to steamroll right over your submissive either.


BDSM, In short, it stands for B/D: Bondage and Discipline D/S: Dominant and Submissive S/M for Sadist and Masochist.

One of the strongest foundations for BDSM is consent and safety of all parties concerned. You will hear words like SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (Risk-aware, consensual kink) thrown a lot around.

Regardless if you eventually identify as a bottom or Top, or the occasional dip your toes in BDSM on either side, or a submissive/Dominant that want to base either their whole sexual side on this or even your relationship. There is a place for you to experience this and be part of a wonderful world of kinksters.

So for the moment, don’t concentrate on too many of the titles or definitions or labels people identify with and just be openminded and respectful.

One thing I can say is that the way YOU experience BDSM would be as unique as you are. There are lots of guidelines and recommendations but it is generally to keep everyone safe while taking part in some activities that have some inherent risk to them. But it is a lifestyle that is allowing you to be you.

So show me a hundred couples involved in BDSM and I will show you a hundred ways you can do it. (You don't have to be a couple to be a part of this kind of lifestyle either)