Negotiation

Negotiation is a big part of playing safely.

How do you negotiate?

Well, a great start is by asking questions. Pretty much everyone knows how to ask questions.

What sort of questions should you ask?

A good one to start off with is what turns you on/off?

What are you interested in trying?

What are your hard/soft limits?

Are you Dominant/Submissive/Switch?

Who will be the Top/Dom/me and the bottom/sub?

Is there participation of any other observers? How will partners address each other?

What are you looking for in a play partner?

What are the safety measures ? are there any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong. E.g with doing bondage do you have safety shears?

Will there be any Sexual contact? What type of sexual activity is accepted if any?

What are the safe words?
Is there a safe way to end a scene if the person is gagged and is unable to vocally say the safe word?

Do/will you have spotters to help if something goes wrong?

What type of play would you like to include in the scene? e.g Bondage, impact, sensation, sensory deprivation.

Do you want each other to be dressed a certain way?

Duration of the scene?
Do you have a safety call? Someone who knows where you are and will call to make sure you are okay at a certain time.

Are there any health concerns? Talking over existent health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STD’s, taking any medications.

Do you know what each other needs for aftercare?

Do you know what aftercare means?

Another tool which helps negotiations is by using a checklist. See the example below
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/e/2PACX-1vSP0ksGx5F_jpHWnoym9yCePXefcIeRlftQAJNGK4JI_ujGx3DsnHomTkE9Gm8lfYqpsgI5NsJ_UsyH/pubhtml

As Always,  S.S.C, R.A.C.K and P.R.I.C.K.

Loving BDSM Podcast

The Loving BDSM podcast is hosted by Sir John Brownstone and Kayla Lords. They cover a wide variety of topics ranging from the beginner level to more advanced topics. They are a 24/7 Dd/lg almost married couple.  They have gone down the path of long distance to moving in together and now planning for their wedding all while maintaining a 24/7 Ds relationship.

I highly recommend this podcast to anyone getting into this lifestyle with their partner or if they are battling to find their way. Or just for light listening pleasure as they host a great podcast in general.

https://itunes.apple.com/nz/podcast/loving-bdsm/id1034601476?mt=2

Safewords

So safewords. What are they and how do we use them?

First off never ever play without safewords negotiated and determined beforehand. If a submissive or a Dominant refuse to play with one then walk away.

Now for the explanation on the term safeword:

Safeword: Its a word that either stops play completely or halts it for the moment.

Now why would you need to use a safeword?

Me and Moc go with the green, yellow, orange and red system.

Green: The dominant can use this to find out of a submissive is still good to go. They are still enjoying the activity or would still like to continue further. It can also be used to check in with a submissive and how responsive they are to a question.

Yellow and or Orange: If a submissive or Dominant (yes Dominants can and should also use safewords) say this word it means check in quickly. Something is either not right or I just need to quickly have a word with you. It is our halt word. Play temporarily gets stopped or slowed down to determine the issue and to deal with it.

Now in our case yellow means the following: Something is wrong that I need you to adjust. For instance the rope is digging in too much here. I have a cramp and need a bit of release. Or I am feeling a bit light headed or dehydrated. It is a communication tool to let the Dominant (and vice versa) know that there is a physical or emotional need that quickly needs adjusted so play can continue. After all we like pain now and then but some pain is not really nice or erotic.

Orange: This word is more a word we use to halt the play and we need to have a quick talk. I either feel a bit apprehensive and worried about the current intensity or it might be that we are entering a new area of play and I am a bit worried and we just need to talk before playing further. Sometimes it is just that I need a hug or a cuddle and we right back into it.

Red: Either the submissive or Dominant feels that play need to stop immediately. If the submissive is tied up then release them slowly and go into aftercare. Sometimes a Dominant feels the need to stop the play as well as they feel that the submissive is too far in subspace and depending how long and how well they know the submissive they might not really utter the word but they will stop play even if the submissive is begging and go into aftercare. If they are still resisting they will use the word to get through to the submissive.

Now do you need to use the Traffic light system? No you can replace the words with anything. Your slow word can be for instance Turtle and your stop word can be Mercy. Reason why we go with traffic light system as it is more commonly known.

Now why don’t we use words like No or Stop or Please go slow? I mean they can slow and stop the play too right? They are not really good words to be used as safewords. Play can get intense and at times as you see the Dominant bringing nipple clamps out you are going NO NO NO. But at the same time you pushing your body towards them wanting it but at the same time dreading it.

If the Dominant ask you if you are green and you say yes then you didn’t really wanted the play to stop. You were just apprehensive.

So what words make a good safeword? Any word you won’t normally use in a sexual content and you can easily remember.

Bad safeword examples: NO, Stop, Justfuckinggetmeoutofthisihadenough. Timbaktoopoliticiantrumpandiloveicecream.

It needs to be an easy word you will remember and be able to utter.

But now you say what if I am gagged and I can’t utter these words?

This is where safety signals come into effect and this should be discussed at same time as safewords. And Dominants please remind your submissive before gagging them about the safety signals.

Good one for a safety signal can be using your say left hand and make a fist and let go three times in a row.

Another thing is (good if you are tied up as well): is a bell or a ball. If they drop it, it needs to make a sound. Get the gag out and find out where they are at with safewords. Is it Halt or Stop.

For those playing in the dark you won’t always hear a ball drop. (think in a BDSM party setting). A ball that can be dropped that makes a sound as well as light up is a good thing.

And if you are a Top or Bottom? Do you still need to use safewords? It really does not matter on the labels involved or how intensely you are intending to play. Safewords should and must be negotiated beforehand and in use. Otherwise a NO is a NO.

So please be safe, sane and consensual and always play with a safeword.

 

Next comp page is up

It is Tuesday and we all know what that mean’s the next competition page is up and ready for you. Remember entries for this competition close Sunday 24th 8am sharp, so don’t delay.

For those that are not registered or verified please take a few min to register. We will verify you in due course.