Opinions and communication

I scrolled back in a KIK chat this morning and a saw a very interesting conversation. I don't often get involved in squabbles, however, I do think in this particular case I need to express my view and concern. I also think this conversation holds a valuable lesson so I am going to be using this as an educating session. As this is a public post I will be anonymizing the names.

It took part between 3 people discussing how hard communication in BSDM is. One person had the view it was easy and that they have discovered they are more in an open relationship. The other two are in poly relationships and were expressing the point that is is not always easy. However one of these parties even took offence to the relaxed attitude of this person towards BDSM not recognizing the hard yards put in by the others.

I have also seen the viewpoint of some people opinions are wrong been branded about in past chats. Yes, I lurk sometimes too. First off all of these people chatting are relatively new to the BDSM lifestyle from a few years to a few months. Now that the background has been set let me express my opinion after nearly 15 years as a Dom.

First and foremost, everyone has an opinion and everyone is entitled to their opinion. You may not agree with the their opinion this however you are free to discuss differences of opinions, however, this at no point means anyone's opinion is less valid than your opinion. I know the case of Hitler often pop's up and yes he was entitled to his opinions however that went from opinion to hate speech and that is an entirely different topic.

Within BDSM communication is key. If we can't express our opinions and talk about them rationally then we need to work on ourselves to be able to get to this point. Yes, that is hard work. Even our partner's and play partners may have different opinions which means guess what hard work and often difficult discussions. The key learning is how do you come out of that discussion. If you both come out black and blue or one is more beaten up than the other this was not a successful conversation and you both need to work on your communication skills.

It is important to be able to look at yourself and see yourself and your emotional point at that time and recognise if it is in a bad place or good place as that will have an effect on the discussion. The most important communication is with yourself most of the time. Then look at how your behaviour is affecting others.

Next on the actual opinion of is it hard or not? Well, all three involved have had different experiences and different relationships. Some are new have not had all the experiences and life events that have happened to the others. Let me assure you after doing this as long as I have I am still learning and I have had easy fun discussions to really hard difficult discussions, as life and where myself and cheeky are emotionally at the time all play a part of these discussions.

This group is a group for learning, learning from others experiences and sharing your experiences. However to tell someone that their experience or attitude is wrong because that is all they have had different experiences is also wrong. The conversation should rather be around sharing your experience and explain why your view is different. It is a simple change of wording from "your approach/attitude to this is wrong/arrogant", to "in my experience, I have found the following". It gets your opinion across while not intimidating or taking away from someone else's opinion or experience.

Again this is my personal opinion I am using my big boy Dom words to express it and if someone has a different view or experience I am willing to have an open honest discussion about their views and experiences.

Forced orgasms

Question from Member: What can you tell me about forced orgasms? I’ve never had it done to me and I recently heard on a podcast that it can be painful.

First off you know the porn scenes where the submissive is strapped down and have a Hitachi wand attached on high and you see her crying and wriggling trying to get away from the stimulation?

Or the one where a male submissive is tied up and normally a Domme playing and stroking his cock and once he comes goes to town on his cock?

Yes, both those scenes can be forced orgasms. But it’s not the only kind of forced orgasms you can have. Say WHAT? Porn videos lied to us all? Quite often what we see in those kinds of videos is not always reality and it can and will set you up for disappointment.

So what is this term Forced orgasm or forced orgasms? It is whenever (with consent, always with consent) a submissive gets stimulated past the point they want or like to cum.

Scenario one: As a submissive, you get ordered by a Dominant at any point of time of the day to go off masturbate until you cum. If they tend to know how quick you can get yourself off they might even instruct you on how much time you have.

Now imagine:  You are in the middle of your lunch hour and get a text to get yourself off. You were just sitting with work colleagues talking about nothing really sexual. You might or might not get wet just at reading the message. You find a quiet place but you just can’t get yourself to the point of climax.  The idea that you only have a certain amount of time, either helps or not at all. But you have to control your body and force yourself to reach a point so that you can reach a climax and obey and order.

Scenario two: As a submissive, you are stimulated to your first orgasm. With either a small break or no break you are ordered to get there again. Or perhaps as you cum the Dominant continues to stimulate. You reach a point where you don’t know if you are cumming or going and you have no control over your body anymore.

Scenario two b. : Same as above but you are ordered to masturbate and as you cum not to stop. Your Dominant doesn’t even have to touch you but the fear of facing a consequence makes you continue. For some their limit is after two orgasms. But as you and your Dominant learn the secrets to your body and mind it can sometimes extend for quite a time. (fun thing to try once you reach this point is a dice. This is a number of times you WILL cum before the session is over or you safeword)

Now yes as in the porn one you can be helped to cum and then tied up with a vibrator on. And stimulated past the point of really feeling nice about it anymore. For a woman, it can be sore to have clitoris stimulation after the has cum a few times and it just gets too much.

For a guy, the head of the cock can get very sensitive right after they cum and it can get painful when overstimulated.

The thing to keep in mind is that everyone climax differently. Some struggle to reach that point of going over. Some need a bit of recovery time. Even thirty seconds before they are able to face that again.

So please take it slow. You do not want to set a submissive up for failure where they struggle to reach a climax and now as a Dominant, you declare you are doing a forced orgasm session where they need to reach thirty orgasms. Know your submissive’s body, know what makes them tick and get there. Some might struggle a while and a forced orgasm session of several hours will end up making them feel like they failed a dominant.

So how can both of you take part in a forced orgasm session then? Well, as soon as your submissive cum (and it was negotiated ahead of time or agreed upon) you continue to stimulate. Start off with thirty seconds the first time. Another session makes it a minute. Have a minute glass or a timer nearby. Just having to watch each second goes by for both of you can be a delicious torment.

Now for those of you that are lucky to be able to reach multiple orgasms very easily the longer session will work really nice. Reaching that point where you don’t even get the high peak and down and your body is involuntarily spasming and you are just utterly exhausted. Please just remember hydrate hydrate hydrate. And electrolytes might be imbalanced as well.

For some, the above might confuse you even further. But it really differs from situation to situation on what exactly forced orgasms look like.

As for our member’s question, I will now answer from my own personal experience:

Yes MOC at times have ordered me in the middle of the day (while say busy with dishes or mopping floors) to go off and have five minutes to cum. Your mind is racing from the grocery list to OMG how do I get there and quick. You have to clear your mind and think of the task. At times its difficult and I do fail and it lands me with a funishment. Or perhaps orgasm denial in the next session or a delayed orgasm.

At other times (Makes for some of my best memories). Is where I get stimulated to climax and he just continues going. I’m wanting to go to that blissful place of AAAAH that was nice but my body starts tensing and the next one just come on way too fast. Your brain can’t continue to think anymore and eventually you reach a point (some might say a place of subspace) that your whole body goes floppy but still trembling. MOC tends to differ the stimulation from focusing on fucking me, to applying attention to my clitoris, using toys, and then a combination of floggers and all of above and more. The list is endless. He uses different sensation to mix up the signals my brain registers. From having light touches to harder ones. My body cant help but to respond and causing another climax.

I have in the past passed out and he stopped and made sure I am okay, hydrate and give me a chance to recover and ask if I want to continue. And then start up slow. After a few, he literally does not even have to touch me anymore and just flow air over my nipple and my body sets off again. For quite a few days after a long session like that your body can be really tired, muscles sore and let’s just say any sexual activity can be almost too much but you want it at the same time.

A good tip is to either use spreader bars or to tie submissive open so they cant pull away when it gets too much. Always make sure your submissive has a way to safeword or to use a safety signal.

By: cheeky

Endorphin high?

How does the body get to a place erotically where it produces an endorphin high? What is your experience?

Now this question to me is a bit open-ended and if you read this answer and it doesn’t quite answer your question please feel free to resubmit a question and I will try answer it.

Now you might have heard a word called subspace? This magical land where you drift off and almost a place that is described that every “good” submissive will reach if they just let go. Well sorry to burst the bubble with this magical little land. Pop… There it goes. Now lets get into the reality of things. Lets dig into the science for a bit. I am forewarning you now I’m gonna be babbling a lot in this article. So go fetch a cup of tea, coffee, beer or just sit down and relax and read.

First off there is two kinds of “subspace” (most likely even more but lets stick with the two major ones). One can be reached through putting the body in an overload of endorphin high and literally shocking the body into reaching subspace.

The second does not really have to involve any form of pain at all to reach more of a mental subspace where you are put (only way I can subscribe it) into a light meditation state. You do not really have to experience an endorphin high in this state at all.

Even though the question is more towards the first one I mentioned… Lets touched base with the second subspace.

No not everyone can reach this easily. It does not always depend on how long you have been with someone or that you can reach this place every single time. It has a lot to do with how the two people interact with each other. Lets think of your typical image of a hypnosis session. You need to be able to calm down, slowly let your mind relax and breath. You can practice this by practicing meditation. The more you are able to let your whole body relax and just let go the easier you can experience this sort of subspace in your kinky play. So do we need sharp pain? Nope you are more likely needing some sensation play. Light touches and caressing. Does not need to stay light. This really depends on the reactions of your submissive and how they are able to get go and drift.

For me I started to experience this kind of subspace during rope play. Taking deep breaths as MOC prepares the rope, gliding it over my body. With each knot letting my mind go of more “stuff” and just let another part of my body completely relax. I either tend to start from my toes or my head. Now this has taken me years as my mind is always going. Ten million miles a minute. I use to do martial arts and meditate everyday to clear my mind but got out of the habit. So meditate at least three times a week to help you reach this easier. (once again some might reach this place very easily while others don’t. It also feels extremely awkward trying it for first time but just give it some time.)

Now for our first one. The one with an endorphin high. Ever heard of runners high? You know when a long distance runner is running so far and at point of giving up that they have that last next push and they continue. They keep on experiencing it even though they just wanna give up. They push through that boundary and continue. At that finish line some might crash very quickly while others have a high for quite a while. Ever wonder if it had to do with their stamina whether they crash so quickly? Or to do with how hard they push their body? It all lies in the the science.

So what is endorphins: It is a natural bunch of morphine-like chemical the body pumps into the brain to reduce the body’s sensitivity to pain and therefor raising the pain threshold. Now your body will release these endorphins in loads and wont continuously pump them out either. So once a load has been delivered it will take a while before your body will be ready to release another load. This is a protective measurement of your body. It roughly on average takes about ten minutes before another load is pumped into the body. (this is a key thing to remember).

So when a “scene” starts your body has no endorphins to start off. That is why that first initial spanking hurts. Its not erotic. It freaking hurts (to me at least). Therefor you DO NOT have to go hard out right in the beginning. After relatively mild stimulation and a few hard wacks your body will release its first load of endorphins. Now you as a submissive might not feel a huge difference, except that the spanking (I am going to use spanking as an example here) is starting to feel a bit nicer. You can all of a sudden take it.

Now remember your body has released its load in one go and it will take about ten minutes before its ready to release another load. Getting close to the ten minute mark you sort of have to shock the body to be ready to release that load. It needs a reason to pump the next load in. So you can go slightly harder with a few ones. Doesn’t always take a lot (but this does depend on the submissive so continue to talk) Once again this is gonna hurt a bit. Breath and best thing I can say is do not clench at all. Relax and breath through it. Meditation as above does help. Next load gets released and the Dom can take it easy.

Important thing to remember is that your body wont release another endorphin high before it has enough of the chemicals to release. So really not a lot of point going hard out the whole time. All that is gonna happen is a lot of pain. Not much pleasure and your Dom hand is gonna hurt a lot more and wont be able to put the “work” in when it is needed.

Continue on and by Load three the submissive will feel a little bit woozy. They can take a lot more but they are still relatively with you. You can take it easier with more gentle smacks and for the sadist throw in a few hard ones in here that there (You need to have fun too right?) Now towards the end you might need a few harder ones in a row for the body to get ready to release the next load. Does not always have to be longer than a minute of more intense play.

By Load four: As a submissive you definitely will be starting to get incoherent. Dom’s at this stage your submissive might not be able to safeword anymore and you gonna have to take it slow. Never played to this level before I suggest you start going out slow and start bringing them down. There is always a next time.

Now for some submissives at Load four a very huge load of adrenaline might be pumped in body too. This might make them extra sensitive towards certain pain stimuli. They will not be able to take a lot more but not always able to safeword.

By Level Five is where some say the ultimate lies. Push through four to get to five and well you there. IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO EVER ATTEND ON YOUR FIRST SECOND OR THIRD PLAY. The top/Dom has a ton on responsibility and needs to be able to read your body so well to be able to know when to push through and not. As you might be in a state not able to safeword. Trust me even at load three the fun is really really good. Me personally have only reached load 5 a few times and the subdrop from it is not always fun.

So now I mentioned adrenalin right? How does that come into play. That is also an extremely important. While your body has been pumping Endorphins in your body it has also pumped in Adrenaline into your body. The more adrenaline that has been pumped in the longer it takes to burn off. The submissive/bottom will experience “crashes” as the body burns the adrenaline off and therefor aftercare is extremely important. They will have to be held and hugged and kept safe. They might not need any extra stimuli as they wont be able to handle that. They will need some water, a little bit of sugar can help so hand over that chocolate. They might become teary and full on sobbing crying. And this is not just right after play but even days after might experience “feeling the blues” So please keep on checking in. And the answer: “I am fine.” is normally a biggest clue they ARE NOT FINE.

Now some don’t believe in the endorphin high release at all as those chemicals don’t reach the brain and as we said the submissive gets all woozy so now I can only speak from my own experience.

Cheeky: yes I have experienced both. The second one without pain involved is almost harder but more in my own control. It is a conscious decision to let go of everything and just give over the experience. It is easier if you meditate regularly.

The first one we talked about: Yes a few times and it tends to be very long sessions which starts out as: ” Really just fuck Ouch, Why da heck  do I really like this? Its just freaking sore… “and me swearing like a sailor normally. But just go slow and read the submissives body and continue to talk. Last time I experienced this one was not even a long session and it was the smaller flogger used on my upper back while being fucked. (but I was in a meditate subspace already so wondered if that helped.)

Is there only five loads? No you can go further but it becomes more riskier.

Disclaimer: I have read and researched on this subject a lot due me trying to understand why I like certain pain and what “made” me like this. There is also quite a few websites and articles on this subject and explain it more or less like this as well while some refute the idea completely and go with another. The above is my opinion after research and should not replace  your own responsibility for reading up more and trying to understand what works for you. But the above is sort of what happens to me and makes the best sense to me.

By: cheeky

XR University

The eXtreme Restraints podcast has both an audio and video podcast. The hosts are Ian Rath and Aiden Starr. They normally have a guest on as well who they use to demonstrate a technique. So it may be flogging, nipple clamps etc.

It is a very good show for any Dom wanting to learn a new technique or newcomers to the BDSM scene. I highly recommend it as these are two season professionals and a lot can be learned from their podcast.


Off the cuffs podcast

Off the Cuffs, the podcast is another good kink and BDSM podcast in general. They have discussions with various guests and from what I have heard so far no topic is off limits for discussion. Probably not for the absolute beginner but if you have a basic grasp of BDSM and are not asking what is that every 5 seconds they will provide some good entertainment as well as some good educational topics.